DBT Track of the Week #86 - The Avon Lady

[Sterling Big Mouth]

When I was six years old I rode to school with the scariest kind of woman in the whole wide world.
She wasn't your typical kind of femme fatale, she was much scarier than any of that.
She was an Avon Lady.

And I would get to her house, she lived in the house up the hill from my house,
overlooking down on my house.
And I would get there, and she would have all them nice little decanters and bottles of perfumes
spread out all over the kitchen table with the dirty dishes.
And she would try to sell it to me. She would say,
"You know if you were to buy your mama this glass unicorn full of this sweet smelling Avon perfume,
your mama would know how much you love her."

And I was six years old and I didn't have any money and I said "But Mrs. Belcher, I don't have any money."
And Mrs. Belcher, with her red bouffant standing up to about here, looked down at me and she said
"You don't have your lunchbox with you. Did your mother send you off without anything to eat?"
I said "No, Mrs. Belcher, I've got my lunch money."
And she said, "This unicorn could be yours. And it would show your mama how much you love her."

So I gave Mrs. Belcher my lunch money,
and I took my mama that unicorn on Friday, and my mama knew I loved her.
And the next week I took her a glass eight ball.
Not the kind she liked, but this one had perfume in it.
And I gave it to her, and she knew how much I loved her.
And the next week it was a goldfish.
A glass goldfish full of golden perfume, sweet smelling Avon perfume.
And I gave it to my mama.

Then about three days later the school called.
They said "Mrs. Hood, your son has been starving.
He's been falling asleep in class. He's looking rather malnourished.
Are you some kind of an abusive parent? Do we need to see about this?"
And my mama, she was all hysterical and crying
because she thought I had spent my lunch money on drugs.
I said "Mama, I'm only in first grade, you know.
And that's how I gave you these Avon decanters that showed you how much I loved you."
So my mama, she called Mrs. Belcher up, and she cussed her out.
But the next Monday morning I was right there, riding to school with her.
And she was PISSED OFF.

Off my favorite record, The Avon Lady opens up another side of DBT - that even in the middle of a raucus, loud and sweaty Rock Show, they aren't afraid to roll out a spoken word track. It certainly doesn't hurt that TAL is hilarious, from Patterson describing those decanters next to the dirty dishes to Mrs. Belcher telling Patterson that "this unicorn could be yours." I also love the lounge room blues backing music, which Cooley gives a lot of personality to throughout, e.g., that "waterfall" lick when Patterson describes how Mrs. Belcher's house "looks down" on his house.

TAL has all the little details that we love in Patterson's stories (like that red bouffant) and like I said, it's just plain funny - I love how even Patterson cracks up when relaying the principal's observation that he's been starving. That's why while I know TAL isn't Three Alabama Icons, I don't understand why Patterson referred to TAL as "half baked and half-assed" in an interview over at the AAW blog. If I ever get the chance to have a few beers with PH, it's definitely one of the questions I'd like to ask him.

[Iowan]

Always cracks me up too. I'm not always a fan of "jokey" Patterson, but this is one joke I've always enjoyed, along with Too Much Sex (Too Little Jesus).

[The Avon Lady]

Obviously one of my favorite songs!! I love the spoken word story! I love the visual of a little Patterson still having to go back to The Avon Ladys house for his ride to school after the gig was up!! I also love how you can actually tell it tickles Patterson to be telling the story. The backing music is fantastic as well.

I feel like I have seen it played live before - but One of These Days is telling me otherwise.

[Kudzu Guillotine]

I have never seen it performed live but a friend of mine said when they did it at Humble Pie in Raleigh back in the late 90s for a crowd of around 10 people, he said he thinks it may have been one of the first performances of "The Avon Lady". I say this without having checked the stats at One of These Days.

[Gang Green]

Okay, I feeling very inadequate. I've not heard this song. Where can I find a good version?

[Sub]

If I remember correctly Grooveshark probably has it.

Otherwise i'm not sure but its off a great live album every dbt fan should hear.

[GuitarManUpstairs]

Obviously one of my favorite songs!! I love the spoken word story! I love the visual of a little Patterson still having to go back to The Avon Ladys house for his ride to school after the gig was up!! I also love how you can actually tell it tickles Patterson to be telling the story. The backing music is fantastic as well.

I feel like I have seen it played live before - but One of These Days is telling me otherwise.

He did it at one of his Caledonia Lounge residence dates back in Nov. 2009.

http://southernshelter.com/category/patterson-hood/

[Kudzu Guillotine]

Otherwise i'm not sure but its off a great live album every dbt fan should hear.

Patterson has mentioned re-releasing Alabama Ass Whuppin', I hope that actually occurs someday. Same for an official release of Adam's House Cat's Town Burned Down.

[Clams]

They still exist!
In front of me on the way to work this morning (could not tell if she had a boufant)...

[lynne]

They still exist!
In front of me on the way to work this morning (could not tell if she had a boufant)...

A rare but timely sighting!

[Mrs Swamp]

I love this song , sure bring`s back some memories .
My mom was an Avon lady back in the day and needless to say
she had me helping her out. I was 15 and walked door to door
with Avon book`s and sample`s for them to try and I even had school teacher`s
ordering from me... I was doing great in sale`s.After a couple of month`s
I was doing better than my mom. The folk`s would invite me in for milk
and cookie`s ....hahaha... I became good friend`s with alot of those folk`s.
I won some award`s for being the youngest Avon lady and the
benefits were cool because ya got a big discount and I could keep sample`s for
myself. I got to wear jewelry so they could see what it looked like on....I hear
you do not get free sample`s anymore,,,, ahhhhh the good ole day`s..

These day`s I couldnt see a mom letting her child walk door to door....it`s a shame.

Anyway`s that`s why this song bring`s back some Avon day`s from the past.


OH and I had one of those 8 ball perfume containers , it had Sweet Honesty perfume in it

[RevMatt]

I've been listening to this song on the AAW re-release. I was laughing my ass off. The creepiness factor is off the charts, right up there with "Margo and Harold". The emotional manipulation of a six year old boy is almost frightening. My question is why didn't Mrs. Belcher just make Patterson a pbj to take to school? I mean, he was in her kitchen handing over his lunch money. Wouldn't have taken much to make him a sandwich.